To bone or not to bone?

Picture it. Antigua. Three men. One woman. Four people. Yet only three people in love. Small issue.

First date goes to Drew. It's so boring I literally can't handle it. I mean, he's sexy, so kind, smart, yadda yadda. She's also faking it with him. They explore the island, eat some pineapple, and plan to have a waterfront dinner on the beach. It's rained out, so they head to the Fantasy Suite earlier than planned. He tells her he loves her multiple times, she responds with smiles. She's secretly thinking, "How many more minutes until the next date." After Drew accepts the invitation to stay in the Fantasy Suite, they start kissing with a piece of chocolate cake between them on the bed. Totally normal. End scene.

Cut to a pensive Brooks, heading to Boise to chat with his family about the fact that he doesn't love Desiree  he's nervous about the Fantasy Date and that their relationship has had up and down moments. The idea of proposing makes him uncomfortable. (Sidenote, proposing to a woman on a TV show after three dates is COMPLETELY ABNORMAL, but whatever, why isn't he madly in love with her? Is something wrong with him - slash - totally right?) Mom and sister give him the advice to be honest with himself. Fast forward to him coming out of the closet  likely causing some drama later in the episode.

Back in Antigua, Chris meets Des, who is awkwardly dressed like a Caribbean Sacajawea Native American Barbie Princess. They hop in a helicopter to explore the island. They roll around on the beach and make out in the waves a la 1980s Chris Isaak music videos. Later, they share a romantic dinner where they chat about the future. Chris tells Desiree about life in Seattle and how he pictures sharing his life with her there, in a cute little house on the water. So apparently he has a cool two mil to drop on said cute house...so there's that. Des answers that she's open to moving there, and they kiss about it. Des offers up the Fantasy Suite card, and Chris obviously says yes. Because he has another poem to share with her, duh. They go swimming and totally make out more.

The next day is the dreaded Brooks + Desiree impending disaster. Brooks arrives to Antigua, and instead of first chatting with Desiree, he talks to Chris Harrison. Let's be honest, any touch base with Chris is not going to end well. Basically, like a typical guy, Brooks can't voice his words. But Chris coaches out of Brooks the feeling that Desiree is not the love of his life.

Meanwhile, Des gets ready for her romantic date on a boat with Brooks, the love of her life. Brooks arrives and Des is SO EXCITED. Brooks, on the other hand, is not feeling so hot. And he walks her to a dock where he breaks up with her. It's a slight disaster, and she totally melts down. And then he melts down, and there are tears everywhere. But then? Desiree tells Brooks she loves him. Cue more tears. And an amazing dramatic underscore. Frankly, I wish there were more subtitles during the crying scenes. Especially when Desiree tells him that she's never felt loved. Sad. So I poured more wine. But the worst part? When Brooks asked why she was conflicted about other relationships, and she told him it was because she was saving her heart for him and holding back from everyone else. Sadness. Then they part ways and both bawl their eyes out. If he was truly not in to her, would he be this emotional?

Worse than her heartbreak, is the fact that I'm going to be in London next week when the finale airs. #firstworldproblems

Prediction: she ends up with someone. Prediction two: said someone has to deal with incredibly awkward moments for the rest of his life.

Until next week (ish)...

Down home

It's hometown date week! First stop: Dallas. City of dreams. And fake boobs and big hair. Speaking of plastic, she's there to meet Zak. First up: she meets Zak in a park where he drives up the family snow cone truck, because that's normal. Then, a pre-coordinated group of 82 school children show up for snow cones so America's sugar-craved obesity epidemic can continue to spread through the flat lands of north Texas. Hooray! Also, she's forced to make all the snow cones just like a good woman should. A bit weird when she said the six-foot-tall penguin was her boyfriend, but whatever.

After snow cone fest, the lovebirds head to meet Zak's family. They pull in to meet mom, dad, brother Denton, and sister Carly. Okay, fine, I'll admit it. All three kids are good looking and it's annoying. Where's the ugly one? Then they sit down to a lovely lunch where they're positioned awkwardly to face the camera. His skinny little mom is positively adorable, and she tells Des to look for that "spark." Sister is also a cutie. Later, Zak sits down with Mom and he really opens up. It's really cute. And then...Zak gets the family together to sing a love song to Des. What could have been a complete disaster, was nicely avoided. His sister and brother (ish) have nice little voices. Des totally cries and it's awesome. After he fully melts her, Zak gives her a ring he bought to symbolize his love. Then he tells her he loves her. It's amazing. Is he shooting into front runner territory? Or is he the guy who gets screwed after the best hometown date of the season?

Next up: Scottsdale, home of Drew. First, they visit his disabled sister, Melissa. Taking a quick break from being bitchy and banter-y, let me admit that there is a special place in this world for siblings of impaired people. He is so kind, and so sweet. After they meet Melissa, they head home to meet the siblings and the parents. They sit down for dinner, and the table has five bottles of wine on it. Do I love this family, or what? Mom and Drew sit down first. Drew tells her about how she makes him feels, and it's cute. Next, Dad tells Desiree that Melissa, their special daughter, is an angel and it's super emotional and honest and heartfelt. Both Mom and Dad give Drew their blessing.

When they say goodbye, Drew tells Melissa he loves her (like five times), and it's pretty cute. I wanted to gauge Des's reaction, but then she started sucking his face. Is that telling?

Next stop: McMinnville, OR. Home of Chris. Totes adorbs. They first head to play baseball. Apparently Chris is a closet athlete, and he has a killer swing. The best part, though, is that she can also hit the ball. He falls in love with her 12 more times. Unfortunately, Chris is wearing bootcut jeans. UGH. But whatever.

Later, they head to to Chris's parents' house, where is becomes apparent that Chris is the hot kid. His sisters are cute, but sometimes...well...Chris is just cuter than the others. Then, in the middle of dinner, dad walks Des downstairs to give her a chiropractic adjustment. I mean...slightly awkward, but whatever. What was awkward was the nose adjustment he gave Chris because we could see his boogers. Later, Mom chats with Des. I wouldn't say she's particularly warm...but it's not bad. But then she tells Chris that he has everyone's blessing because they really like Chris. Mom is super emotional, which is good stuff. Chris, like the other boys, also loves Des. Chris is still in the running, y'all.

Last up: Salt Lake City, home of the Mormons and Brooks. Immediately, Brooks expresses doubt because he's struggling with sharing Des with three other guys. Again, totally normal. They go canoeing in a city park, and take on water at one point. Then, they go to meet the largest family in the history of the universe...I'm sure it has nothing to do with the fact that they live in Utah. They are cute, however. They all sit down for a HUGE family dinner with no wine, which is awkward. The siblings all seem really into marriage and stuff, so it's a bit intense. Mom is pretty cute too, and Brooks clearly seeks her approval. Mom gives her blessing, as does everyone else. Cute...rather uneventful...but cute. No "I love you" from Brooks, but does that matter? Good god, I hope not.

Last step: The Return of Psycho Brother, the guy who ruined Sean's chances with Desiree. Apparently they haven't seen each other since the last dreaded run-in...so six months later, here we are again. Hold please, can we please discuss Des's family? I wish I understood their odd dynamic. Is it something anyone would like to marry in to? No thank you.

Before the rose ceremony, Des meets with Chris. Am I the only one that missed the fact that she openly loves Brooks and talks about how she wants him? What the hell did I miss? Because I just don't see it.

Roses go to:

1. Brooks
2. Chris
3. Drew

Byeee: Zak. Kinda thought it'd be Drew. Wow. His goodbye was awkardly emotional and raw, which sent my cynical heart into a tailspin.

1. Best hometown date: Zak. Great family. 
2. Worst dress: Des's skeleton suit dress. 
3. Weirdest hometown moment: nothing. Crap. These families were too normal!
4. Best creeper move: Des's brother secretly watching the guys arrive at the hotel. Was he awaiting his meth dealer, or actually scoping out the guys?

Until next week,

Mike

Portugal, the date.

FYI this update is going to be short because I'm busy and important and this show is stupid.

This episode takes us to the Portugese coast. There are four dates. But first, former Bachelorette contestants join Des at a poolside gab session where they ogle the guys and talk dirty talk. Catherine (of Sean and Catherine) pretends that her relationship with Sean isn't a complete disaster, and it's amazing.

The first date is with Brooks. They drive a Smart car up and down the coast. They end up on some random cliff in the clouds and make out. Later, they have romantic dinner on a rooftop. We'll ignore the fact that gay Brooks is wearing a HEINOUS striped cardigan, over a wide-collared denim shirt and a black undershirt.

Next date goes to Chris. They go out in the ocean on a ridiculous yacht. They rub each other down with sunblock, take in the sun, yadda yadda yadda. Later, they walk on the "ridges" of some random hill, and share wine and bites. He also reads her another poem. Eek. Then they put the poem in a wine bottle and throw it in the ocean. Did anyone else notice Chris's hot legs? Later, at dinner, they open up even more. Des says she wants three kids, and Chris says the same. Then he reads her ANOTHER poem. Chris. Really? I can't. My favorite part, though? After 18 seasons, I still can't get over the non-response when contestants tell the bachelor/bachelorette that they love them.

Date number three goes to Michael. They have a date and then they have dinner. I think they went go-carting, but who really cares? At dinner, she's over it and there's no connection. He also talks about his ex-girlfriend and his break-up. He opens up and shares his growing feelings, and she basically non-reacts. Poor Michael.

The last date is the two-on-one with Drew and Zak. The ride race cars and stuff. After they ride together, the two boys race each other. Later, they share snacks in the romantic center of the go cart track. Next, Zak gets some one-on-one time with Des. He drew her a book of sketches outlining their relationship--starting with a drawing of his abs. Amazing. Next up, Drew. They sit on tires and share their feelers with each other. Then they kiss. Chris gets the rose (pinned to the center collar of his henley). Zak is stunned. Then they cheers (?!?!?!) all together. So supes awk.

Roses go to:

1. Drew
2. Brooks
3. Chris
4. Zak

Byeeeeeeeeeeee: Michael. Best of luck in Florida. 

Awards:

1. Best calves: Chris.
2. Worst popped collar (OF A BLAZER): Chris

Until next week,

Mike

Yodelayyyyy Heeee Hooooooo!

Let's be honest. I'm in between two work trips and I just can't spare two hours of my life to watch this garbage. That said, I was able to spare about an hour to cram this mess into my busy and important schedule. Because I love you all so much, obviously.

Episode #5 takes place in Munich, Germany. Fun! Spricken zeeeeeee deutch? Or something?

Date one: one-on-one with Chris. We all know I love Chris, but does Desiree? They spend the day being cute tourists. They eat sausage, they dance to tuba bands, and they try on lederhosen. It's interrupted by Bryden, who sends himself home. Who cares? He needed a haircut anyway. Back to the date. Chris and Des share a romantic dinner where Chris shares a poem. I do hate poems, but it was super cute and she cried and did a head-grab kiss. It's serious, y'all. Head-grab kisses are legit.

Date two: group date. They start off on a mountaintop, where a yodeler serenades them. The boys then yodel to her. Eeek. They sled, they snowball fight, and they go to an igloo bar. They all share drinks, good times and yodels. The rose goes to Brooks.

Date three: the dreaded two-on-one between Michael and...GASP...Ben. They start off in a Tug Tub...A FLOATING HOT TUB. Honestly, I would die for one of these. Also, Michael and Ben are so super awkward and competitive, it's just plain awful. Later, they share dinner. Michael throws Ben under the bus about his commitment to religion and his family...it's pretty bad and Des doesn't so much appreciate it. But ultimately, Michael gets the rose. Bye to Ben.

Meanwhile, back at the manse. James apparently tells the boys that if he loses the show, he'll run the town of Chicago. If he places in the top four, he'll likely be the next bachelor. James, get a grip.

At the rose ceremony, Chris asks Des about kissing the boys. If she were to only kiss one, she would choose Brooks. Telling?

Desiree also tells us that she is 100% ready to send one guy home and she sees no need for a rose ceremony. What's best? These guys are dying to out James as a d-bag and they've lost their opportunity. Sorrrryyyyy!

Roses go to:

1. Chris
2. Brooks
3. Michael G. 
4. Zak
5. Kasey
6. Juan Pablo
7. Drew
8. James

Byeeeee: Bryden and Mikey.

Awards

1. Front runner(s): Chris and Brooks.
2. Worst outfit: Des at the rose ceremony. She looks like Cruella DeVille. Oops.
3. Villain 2.0: James
4. Best quote: "James is a cancer."  - Drew. Dramatic much?

Until next week,

Mike

Finding love in New Jersey. And other impossibilities.

As I sit in my fancy hotel overlooking the sunset over Tampa Bay (jealous?!), I'm able to take a moment to reflect on the joy that blogging the worst television show in the history of America has brought me over the past 882 seasons of failure. Absolutely none.

Tonight's episode really departs from the norm. It's the fourth episode, which means we're changing locations. We'll also have three dates. Surprised yet? Yeah...me too. This year, our first non-LA stop is Atlantic City, NJ. Or, as I refer to it, Vegas in Jersey: where dreams (and hookers) go to die. I'd also say the same about Jersey in general, but I'll be nice and not say that this time. Oh wait...

First date goes to Brad the Dad. He's a bit quiet and reserved. Can his personality shine through and surprise us? I can only imagine how much fun an accountant can be. I'm thinking color-coded spreadsheets could be in Desiree's future, but only if she's lucky. They frolic on the boardwalk and end up at a dinner in a lighthouse to see if Brad can really carry a conversation. They have pretty much NO connection whatsoever. Nervous laughter, awkward silences, the stuff dreams are made of. After their bad dinner, they walk to the top of the lighthouse where...well...more silence ensues. And then she dumps him. Why waste the steps and breath? The weirdest part? He cries!

Next date: Brooks, Bryden, Zack K., Kasey, Drew, Juan Pablo, Zak W., Mikey, Michael G., Ben, Chris. They head to a random gymnasium where they're greeted by Miss America in what seems to be a denim dress (?). We soon learn they're there to compete in a pageant: "The Bachelorette's Mr. America." In front of a live audience. Their coaches? A waify queen who is trying his best to play straight (fat [or skinny] chance, lady), and Miss America herself. In a matter of minutes, the men are in heels, skates and hula hoops trying their best to develop some sort of talent. But the real gem? The swimsuits. We have banana hammocks galore, and it's brilliant.

Now, on to the pageant. First, we start with the question portion. It's epically hilarious. Chris's answer to what he needs to work on in a relationship is taking girls to dinner more often. Mikey talks about his softer side. It's horrible. Next up: talent. Chris wears heels and plays with hula hoops; Bryden humps the sky in front of the mayor of Atlantic City; and Zak jams on the the guitar with a pretty good voice that brings Des to tears. And then the swimsuit competition. Annoyingly, ABC cuts out the majority of the speedos. Finally, we get to find out who the winner is: Kasey. He tapped, he wore red pants, and he won. Congrats, social media guy. #congrats.

Later, they wrap up with a pool party. Lucky for the boys who were in speedos for the pageant , as they were able to put on their trunks. Chris was the first to get some alone time, and he read her a cute little poem and followed up with a kiss. He was sexy in his pink trunks, and I'm pretty sure she loved it. Next up was Ben. I'm not convinced she's really in to him, and it's clear the guys are over him. Frankly, the dudes are pissed that he's alive because he's clearly the devil. The rose ends up going to Zak W., after he finished off his serenade to Des.

The last date goes to James. As opposed to an over-the-top date, the potential lovebirds get taken around the Jersey shore to survey the damage from that bitch, Hurricane Sandy...in a helicopter, of course. The damage is pretty intense, especially in Seaside Heights. My favorite was when they met the elderly couple, Manny and Jan. Their accents could not have been better. It. Was. WON-DAH-FUL. But what was cute is that Des and James gave up their date to the couple, who seemed genuinely touched. It was really cute. Manny and Jan got to go to Atlantic City in a limo, which was pretty awesome. They got to have dinner in a "fancy" room, which they found to be fabulous, and it was basically the best thing ever. Seriously...adorable. Later, they are gifted a replica of their wedding album, which was damaged in the hurricane. It was super touching and I totally cried. Ugh...

But seriously ugh...when they get serenaded at a private concert by Hootie (?!?!?!?!). No. Just no.

Meanwhile, James and Des have a casual dinner at a bar in Seaside. James admits to cheating on his college girlfriend during freshman year of college. I mean, I applaud his honestly...but from his freshman year of college? Not necessarily relevant.

At the rose ceremony, Des and Chris discuss the "friend zone." Are they there? I hope not. At the very least, they kiss and it's cute. Bryden then takes Des aside to tell him about his doubts, etc. Des tells Bryden that she wants him there, and he seems reassured a bit.

Roses go to:

1. Zak W. 
2. James
3. Chris
4. Brooks
5. Juan Pablo
6. Drew
7. Michael G. 
8. Ben
9. Kasey
10. Bryden
11. Mikey

Byeeeee: Brad and Zack. 

Awards:

1. Hottest: I still think it's Chris. 
2. Best speedo-wearer: Ben. It was tiny. 
3. Most awkward gay tendencies: Brooks. Brooks, are you hiding something? 
4. The first one to say "I'm not here to make friends": Ben. 
5. Front runner: is there really a front runner? This week was lacking on romance.
6. Villain: Ben. Still Ben.

Until next week,

Mike

"Right reasons, right reasons. I'm here for the girl for all the right reasons."

Okay, let's be honest. I didn't pay much attention to the first date. I was actually out at dinner, and since I'm traveling, I have no DVR. Disaster. But, here's what happened: the first date went to Brooks. The date is wedding-themed, which is quite awkward. At the end of the date, he gets a rose.

The group date features 14 dudes, most of whom I cannot yet name. The title of the date is "Who is here for the right reasons?" Hidden agenda, much? They get transported to a winery where they realize they're going to be starring in a rap video entitled "Right Reasons." Totally normal for a bunch of white dudes. ABC reeled in a real "rapper" to coach the video: Soulja Boy. Apparently he's a rapper in real life. Sidenote: Juan Pablo is wearing the red Bonobos pants we gave him on the photo shoot I managed three years ago. Totally fine. Next, a bunch of scenes in the video begin filming, and the white boys prove just how very white they are. Rhythm? No. Rhyming ability? Not so much. Dance moves? None.

Later, they have (surprise!) cocktails at some mansion. Zak (shirtless Zak from episode #1) gives Desiree a vintage journal. She's totally touched. Ben and Desiree talk about his son...duh. Let's hope there's more to Ben than his child (even though he's cute). But wait...maybe there is because he totally goes in for a juicy kiss. Meanwhile, creepy Brandon is spying on them. And then he starts almost crying (?). After their time together, Mikey confronts Ben about his "political" nature. Ben deals with it diplomatically and it's over. Or is it?

Next, Brandon gets some time with her. First up? Her vomits his entire past on her. My dad left us, my mom was a drug addict, I raised my siblings, I was a truant and I didn't raise myself. I want kids. If I'm not scaring you right now, what is your problem? Oh wait...he didn't mean that last part.

At the end of it, Ben gets the rose. Eeek...apparently the nice dad is getting a bad reputation amongst these dudes.

The next date goes to Bryden. They take a California road trip. They play in the ocean, they eat fish tacos, they go to an orange grove where they eat brie (Bryden doesn't know what it is...WHAT?!), and they end up at the Ojai Inn, where ABC underscores their entrance with the Bachelor/ette finale music. Is this foreshadowing? They share an outdoor dinner under the stars. They're both kind of nervous and cute together. He's pretty cute and comfortable with her, and something about him is seemingly honest and normal. He tells her about his horrible accident and brings out some pictures (creepy?), but she seems genuinely touched. He wraps up his story about making the most out of life, like every after school special should. He just needs a new hairdo.

The date ends in a...GASP...hot tub scene. The first of the season? YES! The only thing missing is the kiss that Bryden is clearly putting off for FAR TOO LONG. The best part: "Just kiss me already," blurted out by Desiree. Okay, that was awesome. His response: "Just go for it?" And he does. Awww...she likes him.

Back at the house, it's rose ceremony time. Michael G. gets his time with her, and he starts to tell her about his diabetes...only to be interrupted by Ben, quickly becoming the villain of the season. Yikes. Within minutes, he gets another kiss. After his time, the dudes question him in a rather heated confrontation. Mikey, the plumber, is pissed. So is Michael. Frankly, I don't think he's a bad guy...but time will tell.

Roses go to:

1. Brooks
2. Ben
3. Bryden
4. James
5. Kasey
6. Dan
7. Juan Pablo
8. Brad
9. Chris
10. Brian
11. Zak W.
12. Drew
13. Mikey
14. Zack
15. Michael
16. Brandon

Byeeeee: Will, Robert, and Nick

Awards:

1. Supercuts Special: Bryden. Dude needs a new 'do. You ain't in service anymore, my brother.
2. Frontrunner: Bryden
3. Villain: Ben?
4. Looks like a muppet: Robert. Byeeee.

Until next week,

Mike

P.S. How excited are we for the first ambulance call of the season next week? And a supposed girlfriend calling out one of the bachelors? Amazing.

Tears. More tears. A shirtless dude. And other drama.

It's the first episode of The Bachelorette, Season 82. This time it stars yet another Bachelor reject. This time it's Desiree, and she's the one I liked best during Sean's season. So I have high hopes.

Realization #1: Desiree cries a lot. Like during the first five minutes, before the season has even begun, Desiree has already cried five times. Grab your hankies, y'all. It's going to be a tearful ride to the top.

So we all know by now the formula. Episode One always features a few lucky guys--many of whom will stay until the end, some of whom will be short-lived.

Bryden
Will
Drew
Nick R.
Zak
Robert
Mike
Brandon

4 out of 8 were shirtless. I'd consider that a success. My predictions for who will stay around? Bryden, and Brandon. I'd give Mike and Drew a fighting chance, too.

Some highlights of the arrivals:

Mikey is a plumber. Jonathan asked Des to the fantasy suite and she full-on denied him. Zak arrived shirtless and douchey.  Larry did an awkward dance move with Des and she ripped her dress. Diogo arrived as knight in shining armor. Literally. Chris got down on one knee and asked to...tie his shoe. Juan Pablo IS A BUSTED MODEL I RELUCTANTLY CAST IN A PHOTO SHOOT FOUR YEARS AGO. And Ben arrived with his adorable son Brody, who did his dirty work for him. Obviously he won.

So, on to cocktails...

First Impression Rose: surprise! It goes to Ben. Not only is he cute, he's a daddy and his cute son gave Des a rose.

Next, all the tragic stunts come out. Dance moves, poems, and an awkward pool dive by shirtless Zak. It actually earned him a rose, however. Surprise! Next, she meets Bryden, who tells a cute story about a little boy during his time in the Army. He also gets a rose. Clearly the way to her heart is some sort of touching BS. Girls are so predictable.

Later, the rose brigade starts. Juan Pablo plays soccer in front of her. I mean, his accent plus the futbol skills is clearly going to get him some ass. Drew is up next, and his cute parted hair and nervous ways. Obviously he gets a rose because he's cute and nervous and giggly. Larry is tired and wasted as he apologizes for ruining her dress with his dance move. Um...you're a doctor, pull it together.

Jonathan then attempts his fantasy suite trick once again. He pretty much talks himself into a very deep hole. He says he's unlike her former boyfriend (apparently Sean) and that she should have some fun. Desiree politely excuses herself. It was awesome. He then confesses to the camera that his "love tank" is full and has been filling up over time. It was...gross? Awkward? What is a love tank? Soon after, he interrupts her once again, and he tries to bring her back to the fantasy suite. She denies him FOR THE THIRD TIME and she sends him home! Awesome.

Roses go to:

1. Ben
2. Zak
3. Michael G.
4. Bryden
5. Nick M.
6. Drew
7. Brandon
8. Zack K.
9. Will
10. Brooks
11. Juan Pablo
12. Brad
13. Kasey
14. James
15. Robert
16. Brian
17. Dan
18. Chris
19. Mikey

Byeeeee: Jonathan and a bunch of other dudes. Who cares?

Awards:

1. Quote: "Will you accept these abs?" Um...no. But nice try, Zak.
2. Worst suit: Micah, in the suit he designed himself. 
3. Best dressed: Dapper Dan
4. Best job title: Zak is a "Drilling Fluid Engineer." Ewwwww.
5. Hottest: Drew and Dan
6. Cutest entrance: Chris tying his shoe on one knee
7. Frontrunners: Ben and Chris. And maybe Drew.
8. #loser: Kasey, the social media dweeb

Until next week (OMG I can't believe this is happening again),

Mike

p.s. This season looks to be RIPE with drama! I. CAN'T. WAIT.